Cube

I remember the first time I saw this movie. I was impressed mainly with the concept as it was entirely new. There is a noticeable lack of any major star power although I think I have since seen a couple of the people in other projects. But at the time of this movie all 7 of the people in the film were new to me. The first person you see doesn’t last long. The other 6 are more important to the story. They are trapped in a seemingly endless collection of perfectly cube shaped rooms. The only difference in the rooms is that the background color changes. They rotate between red, blue, white, orange, green, and yellow. Wait a minute…..a cube with those colors…..anybody else around in the 80s feel a bit nostalgic or possible twitchy? Oh did I mention that some of the rooms are trapped?

This movie, in addition to being a wonderful story driven suspense filled film, is also a wonderful study in human psychology. These diverse people who have no memory of how they came to be here, and with no food or water in sight, must decide who, if anybody they can trust. What happens when the most dangerous enemy you have to face is also one of the people you count on to keep you alive, and how can you tell who to trust? (kinda reminds me of High School but maybe a little less maddening). The sinking into the depths of madness is a beautiful backdrop to the array of more pressing physical concerns.

The acting in this movie may not have won any Oscars, but it was solid enough. Couple that with a body count, that, while not particularly high compared to larger films, is proportionally enjoyable. The variety and creativeness of some of the traps shows the genius of the filmmakers. The budget that would normally be spent on the cast and big effects is used much better in making the traps a lot more interesting. Overall I give this movie 5 stars. The originality of it speaks volumes. The quality despite the lack of top name performers as well as the inclusion of at least a couple of decently quotable lines makes this an absolute must see for all audiences.

 

-Chris

The Last Airbender

Alright. For those of us who actually watched “Avatar: The Last Airbender” on Nickelodeon…I’M SORRY! For those of you who didn’t watch the show…I’M STILL SORRY!

A plot summary for those who don’t know:

Aang is an Airbender. Yes, he bends air. No, he does not fart in spectacular ways, he bends air to do whatever he wants it to do. There are four types of benders, as there are four elements (see how that works?). In sequence, Air, Water, Earth, Fire. Aang is the last Airbender and the Avatar. Forget the James Cameron movie with blue aliens, this is the other one. The Avatar is the only person born who can master all four elements and he, or she, is supposed to keep the world in balance. Aang threw a hissy fit when he was named Avatar and ran away only to get blown off course and trapped in some big ice thingy for a hundred years. During that time the Fire Nation has taken over the world and started destroying and enslaving the other Benders because they can. Katara and Soka, from the Northern Water Tribe, find Aang and bring him to their village and that’s when all the shit starts. The Fire Nation finds out that the Avatar is alive and then he is hunted for the rest of the film. I would continue but I don’t have all day to give you the plot of this epic piece of shit.

My review:

Oh my freaking god. I hated this movie. The special effects were cool for about three minutes. I loved the idea of bending the elements and the different martial arts styles that were embodied by the different people but I just wanted to gouge my eyes out with a movie theater straw. This movie, much like G.I. Joe, raped my eyes. I wanted to ask for my money back and I didn’t even pay to see the film.

Um, using our rating system, I’ll have to say this ranks at around a 2…and that’s me being very generous.

 

-Toni

Rebel Without a Cause

Yes, going all the way back to 1955 for this review. This is one of those ‘classic’ films that has always been on the top of my list of those to see before I die. Now I have seen it.

Going into watching this film I had no idea what to expect, and I’m thinking that was the best strategy. I viewed the film expecting a more lightweight film, never was I expecting to see something so intense or shocking. The only way I can describe the intense aspects and issues that are addressed in this James Dean masterpiece is that one must have an open mind and a box of Xanax if you are easily disturbed. From the opening scene where Jim Stark is found drunk on the street, to the final moments with the police cars leaving in a somber line, there is so much information and pressure on all of the characters that it’s hard to breathe.

The basic plot is that Jim Stark (Dean) is new in town, his family has major issues, and he just wants to fit in. On the first night he sees the beautiful Judy (Natalie Wood) crying at the police station. He also sees John ‘Plato’ Crawford (Sal Mineo) there as well where we see that everyone, even the seemingly sweet and innocent Plato has skeletons in his closet. Killing puppies, anyone?

Jim, Judy, and Plato all go to the same school and this entire film takes place over the course of one day in the life of a high school student.

I’m stumped as to how to write this review, I’m shaking from emotion. This film hit me hard. I am grateful that I watched it. But I don’t know if I will ever watch it again. This is the type of film that stays with you, and I agree that it is a classic that everyone should see at least once.

By our standard scoring system this would get a lower score, but I’m going to give it a 5 out of 5. Simply put, this is a powerful film. One must also remember that James Dean only did three films, and this the one that placed him in the consciousness of the American culture.

Rest in Peace, James Dean, Natalie Wood, and Sal Mineo. You will all be missed.

– Toni

Dueling Movie Reviews: G.I.Joe Rise of Cobra

Chris’ Review:

Hello folks and welcome to another addition of movie reviews with me.  This review is for a movie I personally wanted to see roughly 25 years ago but had to wait.  That’s right I am a proud fan of the G.I. Joe cartoons.  I even got the magazine for awhile.  If that hasn’t caused you to stop reading then I appreciate the fan support.  Here goes with the review.

The basic plot is fairly standard for the parties involved.  Bad guys want to do horrible things to the world for their own benefit and the good guys want to stop them to keep us all safe.  If you decide to watch this movie you must first suspend your rational mind.  The weapon itself is quasi acceptable but the multiprong attack setup at the end along with the extent of the enemy stronghold is pretty painful.  Now I like a good action movie and the sight of things blowing up makes me a little giddy.  But even I have my limits.  This movie would have been better if they had cut out about a half hour of boom boom and tried to make a plot that could hold together for more than about 10 seconds.  Oh and try to get a bad guy who doesn’t drip puddles of jackass with every step.  The acting in general wasn’t bad.  The film work was quality and the effects, although a little too long, were good.  Only a few quotable lines that don’t make you sound like a douche bag when you use them.  Overall I give this movie 3.9 stars.

Toni’s Review:

Okay. Loyal readers, I apologize for the lack of review for several months. I have been struggling to find a way to break it to you gently but I cannot.

THIS MOVIE SUCKS! This movie raped my eyes.

I tried to watch it with Chris and his family in January and lost interest ten minutes after it began. I tried, again, to watch it with my husband and both of us were bored and making fun of the film within FIVE minutes.

I hate this movie. HATE. And I want to weep at the thought that the studio is making a sequel. I won’t even dignify it with a rating.

Hannah Montana: The Movie

Finally this movie came out on Netflix and I was able to stop pacing and demanding of the movie gods that they deliver. If you cannot already tell, I was looking forward to watching this week’s selection.

Starring the young, and obviously multi-talented Miley Cyrus we find the traditional story of a girl torn between two worlds. Miley, the country girl from Tennessee, has become more like her alter ego, Hannah Montana. Hannah is the pop star that every teenage girl around the world worships. None of this is surprising, but when Miley almost misses her best friend’s Sweet 16 party because she got into a shoe fight with Tyra Banks (really her!) and arrives as Hannah instead, therefore ruining the event for her friend…things change. Miley’s father (real-life dad, Billy Ray Cyrus) takes charge an institutes a “Hannah Detox” to show her that life exists outside of Hollywood. Two weeks. No Hannah Montana for two weeks.

Of course Miley meets a boy and falls for him, that’s just to be expected. We also get to see the two-date scenario of changing clothes/wigs/personalities between the Mayor’s Dinner (Hannah) and a dinner date (Miley). There are some predictable parts of the film, but I still enjoyed every second of it.

My rating? Some will disagree, but I’ll go with a 4.5 out of 5. Our scale takes into account the amount of quotable material, and this film is sorely lacking in this requirement. However, I would like to point out that there is much singing and that is always good enough for me.

100 Girls

At the recommendation of my best friend, I sat down to watch this movie. I will admit, there was much apprehension and dread in this decision, as it looks incredibly moronic. I am glad to say that I enjoyed the film, and now recommend it to you.

Matt, a lovable guy who has no luck with the ladies, is fortunate enough to hook up with some girl in an elevator during a power outage. The next day he decides that he needs to find this mystery girl and confess his love. However, the problem is that he never got her name…or saw her face. He devises a plan to get into the girls dorm, aka, “The Virgin Vault”, to find her. Hilarious antics ensue, and I was entertained by the character development of Matt from a whiny schmuck to a half-way decent individual, to an enlightened man with something to offer the female species. Matt meets several interesting ladies during this epic quest. Penny, the slutty artist, who shows Matt things he didn’t know about himself. Arlene (played by Katherine Heigl), the non-makeup wearing Foosball addict who likes to play for clothing. Cynthia (Jamie Pressly), the beautiful girl who knows how to make men do her bidding by just smiling in their general direction. And finally, Wendy (Larisa Oleynik), the perfect girl that you would take home to mom.
The foil for Matt is his roommate, the misogynistic man-child himself, Rod. This is the guy that gets drunk and passes out on the front lawn of a church. James DeBello does a quality job of making you despise the character. Kudos.

I was embarrassed to be seen watching 100 Girls originally, but now I’m proud to say that it’s a good movie. And, yes, I will watch it again. My rating? 3.8 out of 5 stars. The acting was good, the storyline was unique, and I laughed. The only things missing? A good soundtrack and more quality quotes.

Dueling Movie Review: Star Trek (2009)

Chris’ Review:
I know what you are all thinking. No this isn’t a review on the epic film from 1979 starring William…Shatner…as Captain…Kirk. (Those were the overly dramatic pauses. I hope you all heard his voice in your head just like I did. Unless it will make you r other voices jealous.) The movie for review is actually the new release film of this year. It still features the old characters but with a whole new cast. To same some time I will assume we are all familiar with Star Trek. If not, then stop reading this go obtain an education. Either at the video store, netflix, any of a bazillion conventions, or over 10 bazillion websites. No we won’t wait for you to get back, you will just have to catch-up when you are ready. For the rest of you who stayed we will now review this movie.

The plot is very Treklike. We finally get to see what Kirk was like when he cheated at the Academy. He ends up on the Enterprise under the command of Captain Pike. They go on a mission and much calamity ensues.

Now first I want to say I enjoyed this movie. The special effects were spectacular. The acting was solid. So much so that I didn’t even notice the absence of a painfully overacted Kirk. (Ah Will Shatner. You get us those hotel deals and leave space travel to the kids. thanks). It is the plot where I have a few issues. First off Kirk was under investigation for academic misconduct. Yet he somehow is allowed to remain on board and gets promoted to first officer…..I know a lot of military people and was unaware that this is how one gets promoted. “Oh by the way crew, I know many of you have served honorably for years and worked your way up the ranks but I am handing the flagship of the fleet to a kid who hasn’t finished the academy and is looking at possible expulsion because he can’t follow orders and regulations.” Hmmm if any of you are former military and can confirm this system please do so. My other issue involves Chekov. This is only because I am a Trekkie purist, but Chekov didn’t arrive until later in the series. This is the basis for one of the biggest Star Trek arguments of all time. How did Khan know who Chekov was in the second movie.

Now I know what you are thinking…..”Get over it dud this movie rocked.” Well I have to agree with you. It wouldn’t be a Star Trek movie if there weren’t plot holes you could fly a starship through. Besides, it makes for good movie watching. There were some good quotes and the movie itself was easily worth watching again and again.

I think this movie gets 4.8 stars. The plot holes don’t keep it from being viewable, but they do detract a little and prevent the 5 star rating. So live long and prosper and stay tuned for the next review which will be G.I.Joe Rise of Cobra.

Toni’s Review:
Yes, I know this is waaaaayyyyy past due. Sue me. Life gets in the way sometimes, as much as I fight it.

Star Trek…What to say that has not already been said? Well, to counter Chris, which I do love to do, I’ll say that I’m not a fan of the original series. So, I guess that makes this easier for me. I know almost nothing about the original crew, other than the obvious ones that no one can avoid. I didn’t know that Chekov didn’t enter the series until later, and I don’t really care. Besides, all of that can be explained by the rationalization that this movie is an ALTERNATE TIME LINE! Everything can be manipulated to fit what the writers and director want, because this is a complete reboot of the series!
The plot is solid, time-traveling Romulans have come back to destroy Vulcan in return for Spock (Nemoy, not Quinto) allowing Romulus to be destroyed in the future that they came from. Confusing, huh? Eric Bana plays a delightfully disarming Nero, captain of the Romulan mining vessel that is causing all of this death and destruction. Nero is also the cause of Jim Kirk’s father’s death early in the film, and the first of many time line shifts begins.
Kirk (Pine) is everything I always expected. Very ‘devil-may-care’, charming, sexy, and a bit of an ass at times. I do believe that I fell a bit in love with him, as I’m finding happens often. Spock (Quinto, or as we all know him, Sylar) is creepily uninvolved and detached, but with an air of barely restrained contempt and violence swarming around him. Vulcans always creeped me out, and he is no exception.
The other characters, Scotty (Pegg), Bones (Urban), Chekov (Yelchin), Sulu (Cho), Uhura (Saldana) and many others are witty and charming, and I loved every single one of them.
The few issues that I took with the film include: Why does the Enterprise have the immense waste of space in its design? There is so much in the set pieces that make no sense, such as the huge water tanks…Good scene, crappy concept.
My final verdict for this movie? A solid 4.9 out of 5…while not perfect, it’s pretty damn close.

Skinwalkers

I know it has been awhile since I did one of these.  Illness and the holidays are the obvious culprits in this case so I will blame them fully.  But I have finally returned to enlighten the masses with my words of movie wisdom.  The flick this time around is Skinwalkers.  The previews made this a must see movie.  It showed werewolves and an epic struggle between good and evil revolving around an innocent boy who holds the key to the future.  The previews were a little glorified.  You know, in the same way that the Golden Gate Bridge covers a little gap and the the Sears Tower is a little tall.  I could go on with the examples but that might get a little annoying.

As it turns out the plot consists of two groups of skinwalkers (werewolves).  There are the whiny “good guys” who hate their “curse” and want to be human again and the happy “bad guys” who revel in their gift and the power it brings.  The determining factor in attitude is whether they have fed on people.  Apparently human blood is addictive and brings out the worst in these creatures.  In the middle of all this is a woman living in a town full of werewolves.  Yet somehow she has no idea what they are.  Her son is nearing his 13th birthday and his health is going to crap.  He is also oblivious to all of this.  He is the chosen one and his will determine if the curse ends or continues to afflict the skinwalkers.

The overall acting was acceptable but the plot holes made my head hurt.  The ending made me actually look at the TV and say “Really….your going to take that route….really?”  I’m not exaggerating I actually talked to the TV.  Well to be fully honest it was a portable DVD player as I watched this movie in a hospital room, but you get the point.  There was a distinct lack of quotable lines and far too little werewolf violence.  If I wanted gunfights I would have watched a different genre.  The film work wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t enough to save this movie.  Overall I give this one 2.7 stars.  If you are really bored you can always poke holes in the almost see through thin plot.

I promise to try and keep up on these.  The next one will be The Haunting in Connecticut the movie not the documentary.  Until next time remember that if you are someones best friend you have an obligation to immediately erase their computer history upon their death.  It may not be necessary, but better safe than sorry.

– Chris

A Haunting in Connecticut/House of 1000 Corpses

The movie this week became a complicated situation. I received A Haunting in Connecticut. The problem here is that I wanted to get The Haunting in Connecticut. However, I am apparently an idiot and clicked the wrong movie and thus the mix-up. Of course I blame it on the voices in my head. Occasionally they get so loud that it distracts me and that is what I think happened here. In any case the movie I got was a documentary from the Discovery Channel about a haunted house and the horrible things that happen to a family who moves into it. While this normally would be good fun, definitely the kind of movie I would watch over a relaxing lunch, it hardly made for movie night worthy viewing. I was bored and irritated with it in roughly 10 minutes. I don’t blame the movie for this, again I put the blame squarely on the voices in my head. As with a few weeks ago when the movie was broken, I realized the nature of the problem and found a remedy. In the hands of a lesser man or even a mere super human, this problem could have derailed the entire evening. However, I am far superior to that and simply replaced the movie with one I knew would be truly enjoyable, House of 1000 Corpses.

Yes, that’s right, House of 1000 Corpses. Rob Zombies debut film as both writer and director. The movie that got dropped by at least 3 film companies before coming to light. AKA the feel good movie of the year for 2002. In case you are not familiar with the plot here is the short version AWESOME MOVIE with a decent body count and plenty of gratuitous blood and torture scenes. If you want a slightly longer more detailed summary here you go.

2 couples are travelling across the county during the 70s gathering information for a book on roadside attractions. They happen upon the shop of Captain Spaulding (Wonderful performance ) and go on his Murder Ride attraction. Here they hear the story of “Dr. Satan.” They decide to investigate the story and end up in the hands of a sadistic family of miscreants. The fun is interspersed with clips of members of the family talking on video about their outlook on life. Add in an underlying theme regarding 5 missing cheerleaders and you have 88 minutes of pure bliss.

I saw this movie at the theater when it was first released and I must say I actually shed a tear when it was over at the beauty I had just witnessed. A marvelous film guaranteed 5 stars on my ranking system. A must see for all mature audiences.

– Chris

Fired Up!

Oh sweet baby Jesus, where has this movie been all my life? This so much more than redeems the crap-tastic I Love You, Beth Cooper movie of last week. This movie has everything that I require in a great Teen Comedy…hot guys, great music, snappy dialogue, and, of course, cheerleaders. I can’t help it; I’m all about the cheerleader movies. I guess it all started with Bring It On! and never stopped.

Two football players who want to chase more tail than yards decide that this year their going to ditch two sweltering weeks in the El Paso sun to attend cheer camp with 300 of the hottest girls on the planet, or at least Illinois. The guys are your typical asshats that you would expect to see in a high school flick. The lothario, Nick (Eric Christian Olsen) claims that after 30 days a conquest’s name is erased from his brain to make room for new names. He’s adorable in the ‘cute-smashed-face-puppy’ kind of way. The sensitive but still asshatty Shawn (Nicholas D’Agosto) plays on his intelligence and charm to woo the ladies. And it works. He has the lovable ‘boy-down-under-your-bed’ vibe.
The boys are able to weasel their way onto the squad and get to go to cheer heaven, where they systematically sleep with as many girls as possible in two weeks. Then we reach the conflict of the film, Shawn goes and falls in love (moron maneuver #1) with the captain of his squad (moron maneuver #2). Nick decides to help out his buddy, and then we have lots of humor mixed with some actual genuine friendship. Unfortunately, they are found out, exposed, and kicked out of camp. They return to their football buddies and then as you might expect, both realize that they truly love being a part of the squad and help lead the girls to a non-quite victory.

As I said before, sweet baby Jesus, this movie is awesome. I honestly laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. My rating is a hands-down 5 stars. No questions from the peanut gallery, all the voices in my head agree on this one.

I’m just sayin.

– Toni